Zoe knows it will end badly, even when there is hope. Even when Sue's dressed up and getting them out; it's clear in the way Bert speaks of the boy she killed. It's clear she paid for that, and they all paid for all of it. But it isn't until he explains Reaptide that there is a vague metallic taste at the back of her mouth (the taste of fear), an echo of what is suffusing her lungs.
It was her, she realizes, and feels locked inside of herself. You should have saved me, and flames were licking up her dress. Her Reaptide dress. Sacrifice.
She used to derez back to her safe place, right after Zoe had created her. She couldn't stand sacrifice, and it wasn't even fire.
But you can't derez out of reality.
She keeps listening, as he tells the story she guessed. She saw the ending, and her face in the flickering flames, sometimes replacing Susan's. She keeps listening, and lets him take her hands. She watches him, and she doesn't know what he sees in her face, she doesn't know there are tear tracks on her cheeks. She doesn't know what she's supposed to see inside herself.
When he quiets down, and he just looks at her, she pulls one of her hands from his, shifts, and reaches out to cup his face, on the side of his good eye, so he sees her coming. "Life makes murderers of us all," she says, but she can't recognize her own voice. There is Apotheosis, there is the last time she saw Ben and the pain of death, her first death, one that wasn't hers, and there is the first boy she kissed, not Original Zoe but her, and the sound his head made when it cracked against the wall.
She hasn't even realized it, but she's changed the landscape around them, to the arena in New Cap City, where she first met Tamara. The stands are empty, but the ground is as filthy as if there had just been an evening's fights. She doesn't know how many times they killed her before her angel saved her. Told her the words she needed to hear.
"Are you gonna lie down and pay for your sins?" she whispers, holding his gaze, her voice a perfect copy of her angel's. But she was perfectly alive. "Or are you gonna own yourself?"
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It was her, she realizes, and feels locked inside of herself. You should have saved me, and flames were licking up her dress. Her Reaptide dress. Sacrifice.
She used to derez back to her safe place, right after Zoe had created her. She couldn't stand sacrifice, and it wasn't even fire.
But you can't derez out of reality.
She keeps listening, as he tells the story she guessed. She saw the ending, and her face in the flickering flames, sometimes replacing Susan's. She keeps listening, and lets him take her hands. She watches him, and she doesn't know what he sees in her face, she doesn't know there are tear tracks on her cheeks. She doesn't know what she's supposed to see inside herself.
When he quiets down, and he just looks at her, she pulls one of her hands from his, shifts, and reaches out to cup his face, on the side of his good eye, so he sees her coming. "Life makes murderers of us all," she says, but she can't recognize her own voice. There is Apotheosis, there is the last time she saw Ben and the pain of death, her first death, one that wasn't hers, and there is the first boy she kissed, not Original Zoe but her, and the sound his head made when it cracked against the wall.
She hasn't even realized it, but she's changed the landscape around them, to the arena in New Cap City, where she first met Tamara. The stands are empty, but the ground is as filthy as if there had just been an evening's fights. She doesn't know how many times they killed her before her angel saved her. Told her the words she needed to hear.
"Are you gonna lie down and pay for your sins?" she whispers, holding his gaze, her voice a perfect copy of her angel's. But she was perfectly alive. "Or are you gonna own yourself?"